Dear Sweet Tucker

I am so NOT a Closer! I am a retard!!! Last night I went to a great party thrown by a friend.  While at this great party I was chatting up with my friends from high school and falling into a deluge of a comfort zone.  Then my head took a double take- and I met a beautiful, tall, 31 yrs old, law student from Switzerland. He was divine.  The party was a costume party and he was one of the few who truly stepped it up a notch- he created his costume and looked like the ghost of a person alive during a civil war period. It was great.  He had a really hot name as well: LUCA.

He was sweet and funny and interested in me. When he needed to leave the room, he grabbed my elbow and fondled it for a loving second to make sure I turned and acknowledged him. He flashed a smile to me that in no uncertain terms said "I like you"  Minutes before he left the room he was joking around that if I am not married in two years then I should marry him and move to Bern.  He was a scintillating conversationalist for he was both amply excited and forthright and yet patient to hear the other's thoughts.  He asked me a million questions about myself- he knew everything. I was smitten but I was in a deep fog,  I was not in the game at all. In fact I had forgotten there ever was a game. It was shameful to admit but I had thrown in the towel and although all my sparks were igniting- my brain was not functioning.   I turned into a 16 year old insecure freak.

As the night went on I found it difficult to exit the comfort zone room. People were dancing outside and they looked like they were having so much fun. I can dance. But I had these strange thoughts- am I suppose to walk over there and turn into some party girl seductively wailing about...making an ass out of myself? And what about the chick close by with the South American accent wearing the hot playboy bunny get up? What chance do I have? I mean- look at her aquiline thighs!!!!  There were mascots for good times dancing about me and I felt like a poster child for repression.

When it was time to go- it took us about 20 minutes to do so. I had ample time to go over and say something. I can't tell you if he was looking my way, or if he realized I was leaving or if this entire thing was a wine and sweet leaf sired delusion.  But I froze.  My lovely host asked, "Whats wrong with you???? I thought you came out of your shell 13 yrs ago- why are you being so shy- go talk to him, don't leave, for g-d sakes don't leave."  But I did. And I did not even say good bye.  I don't know why.

There is such a dearth of eligible bachelors in this city! So then calculate the fact that maybe .0001%  actually live up to my bloated expectations and you will see why I felt the loss of this dude was somewhat of a tragedy. I undermined myself. As soon as I walked out of the party onto the streets I understood the depth of my insanity and wanted to run back and do something- but it was too late. It happened and now I wonder if this has always been the case and I am just seeing it now or is this some new level of shell shock that happens in your thirties.

I am worse then a bad closer- I am a saboteur!! 

Love,
beebs

PS- I hope you had a lovely night at your party! I missed you at mine.  Your messages sounded great. Kisses back.

Comments

[m.]

HEY! Who was he there with?

Maybe you can arrange to "run into him" again!!

I can't believe you ever dared to compare yourself to any other girl -- you looked especially beautiful last night!

DORK!

[beebs]

He was there with a woman who works with cheerleader hostess. Pirate hostess said she will try and arrange a hangout.

As per the comparison- yeah my dress is cuter than playboy ears.

[tuckergurl]

As hard as it is for me to hear this tale, I know it all too well. I have done this before myself. You have probably done this a few times before and have not been aware. I am sure I have. But now you see it and you know that you HAVE to take action. I mean, what's the worse that can happen?

I did have fun at my party and got pretty drunk!

[Bella]

Good for you Tuck! You sounded like you were having a ball! Yes you are right- I have done this before. I can't do it anymore. Repressing one's self is a bad addiction I think. Its easy to do. We shall see- I hope to redeem this situation...