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This picture keeps popping up on my flickr page in the pics of my contacts. Its my friend Kacy's babies. They look like their mommie mere here. Mere and Kacy are super cool- and kacy is a really really good photographer if you are ever looking for one. May I introduce- baby Shai and baby kaz- I heart them:
Gentlemen, I have never seen anyone rock a suit like you two little dudes.
Yesterday at "Ladies brunch" the ladies all ended up reiterating stories of men exposing themselves in some way or another on the subway. This combined with stories of being followed, mugged, chased... etc At the end of the 30 minute round-up one woman ended it all by saying:
Yeah well you know what..you never saw a woman whip anything out on a train, have you?
No we hadn't. This caused a burst out of laughter and then a tiny micro lull because indeed we haven't. We are always victims in some way or another in danger of an unfortunate inequity of perversity and hostility. It seems not only to pour out overwhelmingly from men but it is pointedly fueled by a need to hurt or scare women. Why is that? What is it about women that makes men angry? Or is just that we are the only other ones standing there when that bad stuff needs to happen.
Somehow we work through it. I guess we are stronger than they take us for.
This is dedicated to MLG.
I am trying to write a really personal screenplay right now and what's coming up for me is not any particular issue with my private issues on the page. Instead it's more that I am coming face to face with the lack of acuity I have regarding structure. On some level my five years of schooling and the piece of paper I have that claims I know what I am doing has it's legitimacy. I spoke a couple of weeks ago to a bunch of teenage film makers and I work shopped with them and I loved it and I knew that I know what I am talking about. But on another real level I am so clearly seeing the places along my path that I did not work hard enough on or pay attention to. I see the moments that I did not value enough as an opportunity to get better and grow. I hate to quote Ani Defranco (seriously!) but there is a great line - its more about love but here it is :
"I have to suck it up and savor the taste of my own behavior
I am spinning with longing, faster than a roulette wheel
this is not who I meant to be this not how I meant to feel"
I signed up to be on a CU alum listing and as a result my in-box is being flooded with emails about the success of others. I am not so much jealous of their success as I am in remembering their devotion. The way they took themselves so seriously, their discipline. In particular, one ex friend is hitting "it" I am genuinely proud of him. I remember when we started to part as friends part of the reason that I thought perhaps we were parting was that I was not on par with him artistically. I was not a rock star in school- I blew up and then blew out quickly. In a way- I know that he saw my insecurity and lack of focus as a poison to his tightly constructed portal to success. What happened to me that I figured it was OK to get so distracted and squander my own time? How do I reconcile that? How do I continue to sit in my chair and write, stepping over boulders of amateurism that should have been conquered a long time ago. How do I feel OK with doing now- mentally- what I should have done a long time ago? If I had just gotten through the awfulness of committing enough bad writing to the page - I might be at the point now where the writing is better. But I stunted my growth and got lost in my humongous ego. And in a way- thats what this screenplay is about- it's about not getting lost and how when you go too far to where you think the grass is greener you loose your own lawn (sorry for the glib metaphor) and you can't go back.
However, I guess I am going back- because I am doing it all now! But damn it hurts my ego.
Last night my dad made a crack about cleaning up my old room - IE- better get a job soon cause I ain't paying your rent when the unemployment and the tax $$$ runs out.
The clock is ticking. I have three gray hairs now. I think I see wrinkles under my eyes. I have saddle bags on my hips. I can't seem to loose weight like I could. Time is running and I don't mind admitting that I am scared and hurt. I want to be happy now while I am young- not when I am too damn old to enjoy it.
Yet right now I feel better than I have in a long time. Perhaps it is because I am dealing. I am sans guilt. I am not running from my worst fears.
Anyhow if you are an artist- I just thought that I would share just a few more thoughts and please write me back if you have any.
I was feeling like my work was getting dangerously close to reiteration of the facts instead of a fictional exploration- a story! So I googled the name I gave my main character. It was such a good idea!!!!!! Do it. You find personal histories to real people with your main character's name. It really helps.
Another thing that has really been helping me is that my friend Gabe is being such a tremendous friend- he calls and writes me more than my mother ( and if you know my mother you know thats A LOT) and he constantly offers himself as a reader, and adviser and simply a friend who pushes me. I genuinely feel like there is someone out there who personally has a stake in my writing something I believe in and making a living off of it. Get your self a NAG! ( I meant that lovingly Gabe!)
Thirdly, find your cafe! I finally found a place thats quiet and feasible to write in. Its practically a mac ad inside there- its a 5 minute walk from my apartment and you DO NOT disturb the others. I can not write in my apartment! Its impossible. I end up taking naps instead- my brain just does not want to sit there. If my old laptop died- I would be in big trouble!
Finally- there is this book:
Developing Story Idea by Michael Rabiger
It's really really really really f'ing helpful! I would suggest it for all types of writing. Its way more helpful than Bird by Bird, or On Writing or the 3am epiphany. I don't know why- but this book is saving my life ( sorry A.M. Holmes)
Arbeit Macht Frei- work will set you free. (written on the gates of Auchwitz)
I was with my mother, my father, and my cousin Gabriel from Rome. I was not really paying attention to the couple next to us - from a side glance I could tell you that they obviously were on a first or newish date. He was muscular but pale and hipstery, she was kind of a hottie- a big breasted rockabilly Latina. That was all the facts I registered before losing interest in people watching them. My mom was telling Gabri some family gossip for the one millionth time because his grandfather - my mother's first cousin, won't tell him the dirt. At this point I could retell how "Pepino met a woman on the train, got off in Florence and had sex with her, twenty years later Olivia showed up at the door. My grandmother told my mother, Uncle Pepino just had a baby..except she already wears shoes and talks" (its funnier in Italian) Anyhoo- some mention of the 1940s were made- were they hid during the war and therefore why some people moved to Bogota, some people left for South Africa and no one ever heard from them etc... Then at another point we had a small discussion of what to order, Gabby is Kosher, we are not so he chose...etc Needless to say we were a table of Jews having a pleasant enough evening.
All of the sudden, I looked across to my father and his face was so angry and green, I had not seen this face since he grounded me when I was 14 for staying out too late with my first boyfriend. I thought maybe he was not feeling well or maybe Mom said something that I did not catch that pissed him off- but he would have just said something- no one in my family has a verbal gate. I asked him what was wrong. He grabbed my forearm really tightly and said, " I am offended by this young man's tattoo" I looked next to me and there it was: "Arbeit Macht Frei" Underneath it was a Jewish star. Then my father says, "If I were 20yrs younger I would punch this guy in the face" "Your grandfather was there!" He meant my mother's father not his. Again I was struck by how much more emotion stirred up in his face than hers. She was only momentarily panicked and then returned to enjoying her cousin.
I started to feel upset in a weird way- my brain tried to make sense of the situation. Gabri being used to extreme politicking and protesting his country immediately decided that it was not an anti-semitic statement but a fascistic statement. But mom, weirdly unaffected- considering she is the survivor, said "thats bullsh*t he is just a stupid misguided putz"
My dad was boiling. I started to feel more nervous. My father has never ever hit another person ever! He never had to when he was a kid because his older brother took care of him. He was threatened a couple of times when was in the south in the 60s but he threatened back his way out of it.
How now at 66 in a Williamsburg restaurant could I witness my fantastically unmacho Dad hit another person. He's a Doctor- he took an oath to heal- he is the one that remains calm- but I could see this strange hurt in his face. It was something personal, something that had nothing to do with me. It was something he had not worked out and perhaps never will but he was alive during a time that I was not. I remember in Kavalier and Clay ( one of my most favorite books ever- please read it!) I was struck by the parts of the book that wrote about Jews in the US during WWII and how they were in someways denialists feeling like acknowledging the war was gosh and on the hand suffering a terror of the unknown about to strike them. Some had family over there. Some managed to bring people here- and the stories were simply unbelievable. It created a generation of guilty living Jews who managed to escape the horror and live the American dream. I wonder if my father's fantastical nightmare somehow exceeds my mother's reality. Or maybe he just was pissed and there is no determining.
All is know is that what perhaps disturbed me the most was that there is a chance that this person tattooed his arm and has no idea how truly upsetting it was. Work did not set anyone free. Is this boy somehow a ramification of the continuing conspiracy theory that the Holocaust was a myth. Is it a statement against GWB and his politics concerning the loose connections between democratizing Arab nations and supporting Israel? I don't know. I am not a knee jerk Zionist nor am I the kind of Jewish person who maintains tradition in her life. I just live my life aware of my history and that sometimes it makes me different. But last night I felt genuinely threatened and I did not like it- I did not like remembering that I could die for hate. Its different from 911 or traveling through India as an American during wartime, or getting stuck in the mud in the middle of the night in a jungle in Costa Rica (tee hee- I almost forgot about that!).
It's personal.
I am so pissed I missed this! Apparently Charlie was uncharacteristically quiet and patient waiting for Georgie Porgie to answer and Georgie was fairly forthright regarding Iraq. Against his advisors wishes ( he is almost outta here- why bother listening to them any more? A lot of good that did him) He said that he felt that it was important to explain one more time to his liberal listeners why he extended so much money to the surge. One quote I did read was:
“The good news is that sectarian death is down in Baghdad,” he replied. “The bad news is that spectacular car bombs still go off, in a way that tends to shake the confidence of the Iraqi people that their government can protect them.”
My initial reaction is one of winced sarcasm to any thing said by GWB but I felt maybe at this last point he was right only in that we indeed do have to figure out how not to destroy whatever strides have been made in Iraq in order to make up for the mistakes commited against the American people. Yet its complicated- for as many infrastructures "we" have built and put into place- we bombed the shit out of whatever hospitals, government agencies and roadways that they had before. I am glad Sadam is gone- no question. Albeit I do wish he was serving time in San Quinten, not hung like a good texas lynching in baghdad circle. But putting aside the ammount of death occuring- thousands of men and women are returning home missing limbs, mental acuity and in some cases without their families. Why didn't Charlie ask Bushie about our soldiers?
As a side note- t his is a qreat quote regarding Charlie Rose:
Mr. Rose is a Larry King for Mensa members; he is more genteel and cultivated than his brash CNN rival, but he, too, conducts a conversation, not an interview. His drawn-out questions come out pell-mell — sometimes bland, sometimes probing and sometimes even highly personal, but in no particular order.
I love that they used the term "pell mell" haven't heard that term since I use to have to see all the old flatbush yiddish yentas over Pessach and Chanuka.
| pell·mell | |
| ADVERB: | 1. In a jumbled, confused manner; helter-skelter. 2. In frantic disorderly haste; headlong: “I went to work pell-mell, blotted several sheets of paper with choice floating thoughts” (Washington Irving). |
Or maybe someone's Bubbie Sunny might say, "Your Aunt Minnie put a table out- oy it was all pell mell, I did not know whether to grab the chopped liver, stand and kibbits with the others or make a plate of fish and sit like a person for dinner.
April 25, 2007 Op-Ed Columnist
She’s Not Buttering Him Up
By MAUREEN DOWD WASHINGTON
Usually, I love the dynamics of a cheeky woman puncturing the ego of a cocky guy. I liked it in ’40s movies, and I liked it with Katie Couric and Bryant Gumbel, and Cybill Shepherd and Bruce Willis in “Moonlighting.” So why don’t I like it with Michelle and Barack? I wince a bit when Michelle Obama chides her husband as a mere mortal — a comic routine that rests on the presumption that we see him as a god. The tweaking takes place at fundraisers, where Michelle wants to lift the veil on their home life a bit and give the folks their money’s worth. At the big Hollywood fund-raiser for Senator Obama in February, Michelle came on strong. “I am always a little amazed at the response that people get when they hear from Barack,” she told the crowd at the Beverly Hilton, as her husband stood by looking like a puppy being scolded, reported Hud Morgan of Men’s Vogue. “A great man, a wonderful man. But still a man. ... “I have some difficulty reconciling the two images I have of Barack Obama. There’s Barack Obama the phenomenon. He’s an amazing orator, Harvard Law Review, or whatever it was, law professor, best-selling author, Grammy winner. Pretty amazing, right? “And then there’s the Barack Obama that lives with me in my house, and that guy’s a little less impressive. For some reason this guy still can’t manage to put the butter up when he makes toast, secure the bread so that it doesn’t get stale, and his 5-year-old is still better at making the bed than he is.” She said that the TV version of Barack Obama sounded really interesting and that she’d like to meet him sometime. Many people I talked to afterward found Michelle wondrous. But others worried that her chiding was emasculating, casting her husband — under fire for lacking experience — as an undisciplined child. At a March fund-raiser in New York, she tweaked her husband for not “putting his socks actually in the dirty clothes.” And at a lunch last week with Chicago women, she gave the candidate a fed-up look about that melting butter and said, “I’m like: ‘You’re just asking for it. You know I’m giving a speech about you today.’ ” She throws in nice stuff, too, about how he’s “the real deal” and a trustworthy “brother.” But this princess of South Chicago, a formidable Princeton and Harvard Law School grad, wants us to know that she’s not polishing the pedestal. The Chicago Tribune profile of “Barack’s Rock” on Sunday noted that her career had caused her husband discomfort: “Critics have pointed out that her income has risen along with her husband’s political ascent. She sits on the board of a food company that supplies Wal-Mart, which Sen. Obama has denounced for its labor practices.” The Obamas are both skeptical of hype. Michelle dryly told a reporter at her husband’s Senate swearing-in that perhaps someday, he would do something to earn all the attention he was getting. But it may not be smart politics to mock him in a way that turns him from the glam J.F.K. into the mundane Gerald Ford, toasting his own English muffins. If all Senator Obama is peddling is the Camelot mystique, why debunk the mystique? Besides, the coolly detached candidate, striving to seem substantive, is good at turning down the heat himself. He manages to tamp down crowds dying to be electrified. He resists surfing his own wave of excitement. Michelle conveys the appealing idea that she will tell her husband when he’s puffed up or out of line. She aims high — she ordered her husband to stop puffing on cigarettes as he started campaigning. But then, why didn’t she see the red flags on the Rezko deal? In order to get a bigger yard for their new house on Chicago’s South Side in 2005, the Obamas got into what the senator now confesses was a “boneheaded” real estate arrangement with a sleazy political dealmaker named Tony Rezko, who has been indicted on influence-peddling charges. On Monday, The Chicago Sun-Times reported more shady Rezko news: “Obama, who has worked as a lawyer and a legislator to improve living conditions for the poor, took campaign donations from Rezko even as Rezko’s low-income housing empire was collapsing, leaving many African-American families in buildings riddled with problems,” from a lack of heat to no lack of drug dealers and squatters. Mr. Obama riposted that “it wasn’t brought to my attention.” But isn’t that where a dazzling, tough, smart and connected wife could help a guy out?
My cuccino is coming from Rome on Monday and my place is a mental patient's disaster area. I decided that since somehow it always falls on the poorest person with tiniest space to host ma famiglia every single time that I was entitled to a cleaning service. They are called complete impressions. The clean EVERYTHING- windows, appliances, they organize, they take five hours to clean your whole place for $80 bucks. I am going to solicit donations from the other beebs' since baby cuccinos never fall on their laps.
I am so damn excited - I am down right giddy- now I really need a new job as this may need to become a two week thing!
I definately do not want to work in commercials. I have been working in this commercial house for a couple of days covering for a friend. Everyone is really nice and all but the dialogues that must occur to create these homages to inanimate objects that you actually don't really need- AND- the lack of actual knowledge of directing that commercial directors actually have is heart breaking- heart breaking I tell ya!
Plus this getting to work by 8:45am crap is cramping my health. Between the 3pm headaches and the rush hour malaise that creeps over everyone its enough not to send you screaming through the streets.
Ah well - $$$ is a good thing.
Last ones- these are from Tucker.
1. What movie has been the most influential to you and why?
Hmmmmmmmmmm- thats really tough. Before I ever knew I wanted to be a film maker or even a creator of anything - I was heavily influenced by films like Cinema Paridiso and Au Revoir Les Enfants. I liked knowing more about Europe during WWII because it helped me understand my mother and it made me feel unique from all the other kids. I also loved all those cheesy kitchen Italian Sophia Loren and Giancarlo Giannini films. I knew they were bad but I l loved the emotional tones of those films.
But I think the films that made me want to tell my story would be Blue in the Face and Smoke and finally High Art. I feel like there is a piece of me on the screen when I watch those films and I just love them- I can't really intellectualize it any further. I mean I loved all the masters too- but no Hitchcock film ever gave me a hard on for art. I guess I am just in love with quirky New York Stories.
Oh and lemme just give that shout out to John Hughes- you da man!!!!! You helped me through puberty!
2. Do you ever wish you had a brother?
YES!!!! I did when I was younger- but I wished that I had an older brother- older than my sister so that someone else was the boss! I thought that a boy would have made my parents less sheltering because he would have challenged them more. Also I felt like Sanj and I needed more masculine influences in the house. When I got to HS- all the girls with older brothers flirted with the older grades because they knew them. But then I saw how mean the older brothers were and I was thankful. I have not wished that since. I am actually pretty glad that I grew up with a sister. It has made me totally un-shy around other girls and more open with my feelings. Also I am a good sharer- I think sisters are better at that than brothers. However you are a good sharer and un-shy too- I guess Gregory was the exception!
3. Where is the next place you want to travel to? Hawaii with you???? Tee hee
1. Vietnam/Laos and Thailand! Its cheap, its beautiful and I can learn new cooking and massage skills.
2. Brazil!!!!!!
4. Whose career do you wish you had and why?
(Our friend who is making that feature!)
Either Mira Nair or Miranda July. They both seem to really know who they are and it shows in their art. I don't think they are necessarily the best film makers but I have decided that any woman who makes it in this biz must be a f-ing genius!
5. Name a CD you own that you are a bit ashamed of.
I never listen to uncool music HAHAHA..Either Billy Joel -Songs in the Attic or The Indigo Girls- both are good musicians but TOTALLY SAPPY ( I won't even link them!)
Ms Spoke in the Wheel gave me these questions. Good ones!
The Rules: Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me.” I respond by asking you five personal questions (I will leave these questions for you in my comments) so I can get to know you better. If I already know you well, expect the questions may be a little more intimate! You WILL update your journal/bloggy thing/whatever with the answers to the questions (please don't leave your answers in my comments unless you don't have a blog). You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the post. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.
1. How did you like your brunch this morning? *tee hee*
( I must give you a long answer to this one)
HA! Brunch was great and sired a very interesting day: meeting you and the Rover in person made me feel like such a hip 21st century gal. PLUS I have never met L-Britt's man TM in person. I did not really get a chance to chat with him at all. So I have no idea what this person who has moved in with my friend is like AT ALL. I guess I just have to trust her judgment! =) He seemed sweet and attentative.
I have to say that I think we were a highly attractive table with a lot of different impressive and intriguing histories to bring to the mix. I am also glad that the Rover knows a friend of the waiter. Rover- I am a little smitten with him- can you fix that up? Thanks!
More on brunch_ I sat across from a sweet friend of L-britt's who just made his first short film, with only some theater training prior to the event. He was such a positive and open individual and it put me to shame. I don't know why I still have not made a short, nor why is seems harder to do than walking on water. My time spent with him reminded me that I have some fears and regrets that I must put in check and move on and move forward.
After I left you all I spent the day walking around Park Slope. I walked the entire Prospect Park loop twice, I hit the entire Park Slope Zoo and then sat in a cute bookshop that Paul Auster frequents because he lives next door. I bought a book that is SUCH research for the screenplay that I am entering for the fellowship. Then I visited a friend in her video store and watched bits of old films while chatting up with the costumers. Part of me loves working in service. I fantasized about working in the video shop in Park Slope one day a week. So that was my DAY. Also Dizzy's was yummerific. Congrats Elbee on running a marathon- my knees are covetous of your knees!
2. What is the biggest challenge in your life right now?
The biggest challenge in my life is changing my inner tune. Tantamount to that is forgiving myself for never making a short film in film school. As a result I never felt I had a reel that could get me a great job doing what I really want to do. Also- I have yet to really rip that band-aid off and just make the bad short and feel proud of it in spite of whatever it looks like. I feel ashamed of this fact and it slowly has been weakening me. I am just not playing that game anymore- its the only task I feel needs to be given any energy. Thats why JOB SCHMOB. I feel like maybe I should cocktail waitress - make a "living" and become militant about working on my art. I may sound little like a broken record- but this is a wound that needs to healed.
3. If you could have any job in the world - I mean any - what would you want it to be?
Can I name my top five?
4. Of all the things you're proud of, what is the thing that stands out in your mind?
Well not sure if you mean what part of my personality or what have I done. I am proud of having gone to Columbia and having won a scholarship to go for the first year. I hold on to this for affirmation when I am writing and I am trying to remember why I thought I ever could be a screenwriter. I am proud of the job I did producing for other people- for no money and no experience when I look at these films- I think they are amazing!
As far as who I am, honestly, I am just proud of the friend and human I grew up to be. I feel whether you are my best friend or a complete stranger I can find something scintellating to discuss and I can continue these conversations with sincerity, warmth and curiousity and support. I am inter-personally fearless and sometimes this gets me into trouble but overall I just think this means that I get to meet a lot of cool and unique peeps and have really meaningful interactions everyday. Now the codicil to this all is that when I am told I have to schmooze someone at a party and they point to them and say- that person is good contact for you- I lose my abiities because that inorganic and I am just not good at schmoozing.
5. What article of clothing in your wardrobe makes you feel the sexiest?
Best question ever! It's new- Its a navy blue dress with white polka dots- it has pockets and comes out like a 1950s Marilyn Monroe dress: low plunged neck line and twirly A-line cut. The material is this soft crinkly cotten with tiny embroidery that one can feel and only see when looking really close. I wore it with red patented leather sling back heels and I felt like I was the sexiest and most refined woman in the world. On top of that- I have this Betsy Johnson bra and pantie set- can never wrong with matching black and pink lace! NEVER- I feel hot even if I am wearing it under sweatpants!
Thank You Spoke in the Wheel - I enjoyed these- but part of this is so annoying to me because I want these answers to change- be patient with me people.
Now TUCKER- answer mine and give me some and let's be done with this whole thang!
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