Love born on the Internet and exposed on film.
Tonight I went to see Four Eyed Monsters with Tuckergurl ( Thank You!) followed by a panel discussion of internet dating. It has been a while since I have seen a movie that I identified with as a person in the world AND as a filmmaker. So much of this brilliant debut is about cross breeding the things in your life, and in your art as shown by cross breeding the mediums that tell the story. Susan and Arin are extremely arty hipster young adults who live in/around Williamsburg and aspire to make great art. They struggle in this city like the rest of us and they are freaks, like the rest of us.
Susan, a painter/drawer, feels like a fraud. After all the money spent training her, time spent cultivating her and energy spent supporting her- Susan is just spent. She goes off to an artist residency (gut wrenchingly -laugh out loud spoofed!!!) only to find that her only artistic contribution is a piece about her own impotence. She works as a waitress serving pretentious sycophants while subterfuging a growing loneliness and rage. Arin is a struggling film maker/musician. He edits wedding and Bar Mitzvahs videos to his creative dismay. i guess Arin is a dime a dozen but he is unique in his idiosyncrasies and somehow alluring as a character despite his frustrating ineptitude regarding relationships and general communication. Arin is an "other" and this is a point that all people can identify with. His obtuse and eccentric behavior so vigorously displayed on the outside is his price paid for we the audience so that he may be the caricature of our own internal angst. After all does everyone feel like a carnie in their own skin? His sexual fears and paranoid passive agressivity is so well rationalized by his finely honed mind that it seems impossible they might ever break through his own solitary confinement. Despite my initial hatred for him; for at times I recognized the quintessential male frustration we girls must endure; I could not blame him for his alienation. It was not self imposed. Never are the walls we put up elective maybe its more that we instigate them, maintain them for security but we never put them up.
In any case, they meet online, they date, they go through their journey and they make a movie about it where the making of the movie is Act III. The film is a melange of docu style video footage, isight footage, screen-captures, and animation. It is a roving wall of sound diorama that feels jagged and perfectly fluent all at once. These two people are easily poets and what they have done is turned their lives into art and their art into lives. Although I could critique some of the film- that seems rather besides the point. It is inspiring to say the least and inspiration is always a welcomed gift!
They have podcasts as Tuck pointed out on her blog- but I am glad that I did not watch too many episode as the overall character of the film and people in it were a pleasant surprise. And let me just say this: in the film Susan often had moments where we reacted out loud with thanks and praise-be to her strong woman attitude and clever banter in reaction to Arin's bullsh*t. However, no matter how together and articulate Susan was, she still had to succumb to her emotions and ride the relationship rollarcoaster despite the warning signs. She, signifying WE, was held a captive audiences to her desires and fantasies of what she wanted, and a slave to the reality that she had to play out with Arin.
This got me thinking. Recently, and totally by coincidence I had decided to get my internet persona back together, blogs, dating websites, myspace page...etc I felt a slight giggle inwardly as I wrote down the internet "work" I had ahead of me:
I was not feeling the usual reticence in terms of dating online - instead I was starting to view it as a project I could control, alter and explore on my own terms- CONTROL. I could be anyone, I could select anyone vis a vis any criteria: Age, race, musical tastes, celebrities they most resembled, favorite books, looks alone...etc In my head I had the next six months planned out. I had constructed for my self a list of things I can control and do in my life.
And on this I had a beebs epiphany whose air leaked out as quickly as it filled in: I am not a type A person. (thats not the epiphany!) On most days I'd rather let sweet life come to me and just smile at its fortune. I don't like plans and I hate the pressure of time. I like chaos, I love random and I am most at home when the day is taking me and never the averse. I always rationalized that my lack of efficiency in style and manner was somehow countered by ability to think on my feet and be there both professionally and personally at any given moment. I don't mind messes- I never have- I like getting lost even though I am often scared sh*tless of physically getting lost and feeling blue for winding up lost in life. I often feel elephant size stress as a result of this lifestyle. Like when Maura had to take me threw the organizational steps of planning my France trip! Somehow I rationalized that this was part of the big plan- like the scorpion - its just my nature. But that's not how it goes and I am beginning to wonder if type b just stands for "behind" IWe all know that any time one needs something in their life they must illicit single minded focus and organization into their grasp and then forge ambitiously to the finish line. You can't just wing it! I have heard others say that they have but I don't believe it. It would stand to reason then that Type A activity within reasonable and healthy confines is really more of a lucky attribute to be born with rather then a type!!!! That in fact, life management style is as falsely-subjective as beauty, intelligence, monetary fortune and aptitude in sports art and music. So while some are born with the gift, the rest of us have to practice the scales infinitely until they simply don't sound flat. This is not to say that my nature has not saved me and been a blessing to others at any given point- this is also not to say that I am never obstinate or controlling- au contraire mon fraire! It is just to say that well I don't believe in "thats just the way I am" anymore. I guess I just can't afford to. I want to believe in a Popeye caliber of life but he was a cartoon.
So it is definitely strange to me that the little room with all the filing cabinets inside my head all of the sudden has strange dusty sunlight rays cracking through and begging attention. I make my lists. One asks where I want to be in 3mos, 6mos, 1yr, 3yrs, and 10yrs on a grid with three levels: professional, personal, other. It surprised me what I learned.
I made website lists- (i am not linking I am lazy) nerve, Match, J-date (yup thats right I said it) Ok Cupid, Bust, Myspace. I also wrote interests where perhaps there were more websites to join virtually. More ways to be engaged.
The lists continued:
Somewhere in my fiction here lies the bigger truth:
Tyoe B- Beebs had to default for a moment- If I just collect the data- that doesn't mean I can change it. Does it? I am not even the "if its on my list I have to do it" girl So why I am I planning? Tvperry's grandpa said "if you fail to plan then you plan to fail." But John Lennon said "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans." My mom always regarded my absent mindedness as an intellectual eccentricity lovingly proving that I was indeed the brilliant offspring until I turned 30- then it was just plain "you need to grow up kid In other words is all the proactivity really just minutia activity to further stall the real playing field? Does it matter? Maybe. Maybe not.
When did the need for absolutes and security supersede the thirst for adventure. And did it? I am not so sure. So did the myth perpetrate the truth which then superseded the allegory which then played itself out like reality on the stage with a hamster running at the speed of light from nothing?
Ok Ok OK!!!!!! I am being silly and Dave Eggers-ish.
Did Einstein have lists? Was Shakespeare an organized cad? I don't know and perhaps I am wasting time quibbling over the mental masturbation it takes to break it down.
I am working on my virtual existence. I imagine that in some way my flesh and blood existence is not sparkling enough so I consult my virtual sister to come to the rescue and polish things up. There is Danielle and then there is Beebs. A socialized form of Schizophrenia complete with different vernaculars, colors, styles, dictum's and values. A separate sphere of microcosms meeting at awkward chasms and rendering us a bit stupefied when we are forced out of our atonal IMings and txting into live speech and touch, Rapid eye movement, pheromones and knowing glances. Where they merge is where modern art exists. I don't mean the type that sells or displays itself and is written up in the Times. I don't mean this flick, or Damian Hirst or Mathew Barney or or this blog. I just mean the art that makes us feel really elated and alive and aware- the art that happens in your brain and your heart while jumping over a creak on a long hike or passing a moment of sheer human color on the streets. The synergy! It is number one on my pros list for living.
Susan and Arin distributed their love to the world as a social exploration and although their movie has a beginning and an end - they are just a serial and even they don't know what will happen next. It must have been tough podcasting their lives for the world to see- they are not unscathed. The internet daters are not without snags and horror stories and the Film makers are not soaring...yet! Despite the great press and continued theatrical presence they need money just the same. SO none of this is necessarily the answer but my oh my the questions could leave us blogging into the next millennium
"Life is far too important a thing to ever talk seriously about!" - Oscar Wilde
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Venus
in security-seeking Cancer emphasizes your long-term relationship
goals. It doesn't matter if you dream at night or if you daydream; it
doesn't matter what you dream. It only matters that you don't stop the
flow of images and feelings from your subconscious mind. But keep
reminding yourself that being human means being imperfect. It's okay if
you don't have what you want; love works in its own time.
This was my google horoscope today- awwww isn't that nice. I'll write more later folks.
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