Danielle Speaks

Chaos and storms.

This post is dedicated to my friend Wendy and her lovely amazing dog named Bacon. Bacon is ill and shall leave us soon. Anyhow- one G-chat with Wendell, as I long to call her is better than most conversations with anyone! Thanks Lady!

Written Earlier today:

Lately I feel like I am trying to walk down a long dark road in a hurricane. I can't see well, stuff is flying in my face and all the elements are hurting me.  I feel stupid walking but I went down this road and it's dangerous and disheartening to turn back.  I can't really be more specific. All i can say is that my health has been truly suspect since I have arrived in LA and it culminated with me in another doctor's office today drawing blood.  My car situation continues... I did not come to LA expecting to write long entries in my blog about hardships regarding legal litany... and foot problems... and sicknesses... and scary doctor visits but it seems that this is all that my days amount to here. Worse, there is no human relief to cushion the blame.  Still when each storm passes I feel OK and not so weathered- peculiar!

As I write, one of my closest friends is getting married in Ecuador, another compromise I made to come here was ditching her wedding and maybe a portion of our friendship.She kept telling me,  "where there is a will there is a way" - but I could not even find my self a job out here to come to- how could I have afforded a South American soujourn, a bride's maid dress and all the other acutrements that go with such a luxery? I can't help thinking that maybe if I had played my cards right in life things would be so different right this minute.   Maybe I would be warmed by the sun in Ecuador enjoying time with friends and resting assured with no psychosomatic induced ailments fraying at my mind.  Writing sad blog entries is completely dissapointing to me.  It's been 6 weeks.  Things take time. I just wish it did not feel like the world was against me. Like there were signs everywhere saying run back. But to what? When the sicknesss heals, the car returns and all the broken things get exchanged, what then can I blame?  This makes me try harder, push harder, distract myself with the promise of something better. I had dinner with an old friend from NYC. She is here and super intelligent- a greater relief than you'll ever know! Anyhow JC had a similar first few months story. It would seem that everyone comes to LA and finds themselves zero'd down. No matter what you had before- all bets are off. This city's Karma is contagiously bad. But in the end you survive.

The other night I met someone who had 4 months to live, maybe... He was dying of cancer. His last goal in life was to finish his MFA in film. The disease had rendered him so weak that he was massively overweight and walked with a cane because he could not exercise and I believe the treatments were steroids which bloated his body. He was a sweet and warm and calm person- unfettered by the awful sh*t that he had been thrown. He had a full life! I kept thinking I was such a brat for feeling sorry for myself. I had accomplished beyond this man's last goal and yet I pitied myself. 

In any case, as I g-chatted a bulletted point review of my month to Wendell I realized that I was also writing down my beat sheet for my short. Yeah it's unoriginal: a struggling fish out of the water coming up against everyday hardship but hey- don't hate on me! I told Wendell I wanted to add a neighbor dying and the search to figure out what to do with her stuff and she replied "you have enough drama in your own life...keep it real!"  WORD Wendell. WORD!

A new post is being typed right now

While waiting here is my horoscope:

It's not your imagination. They are giving you a hard time, and you really don't deserve it. Now, what are you going to do about it? Well, for starters, you're not going to try manipulating them. Why lower yourself to their level? Take a few deep breaths instead.

 

Ok its time...

So I was fired about two weeks ago. It was most definitely not a shock. It was the most mutual of break ups one could ever experience. My manager started to tear as it was time for him to tell me and I saved him from speaking the words. I told him that I knew what was coming and that it was great news, that it was time this bad saga ended and that I was excited to do something with my life where I was respected, appreciated and in an environment conducive to what I do well.

What I do well. Thats the big question. Its now been a week since I have been home. On top of the regular discontentment of the event- i ended up having a terrible cough and cold. Every day my body would expel noxious poison. I envisioned my first week "off" as a celebration of the daytime:  10am yoga, tea and healthy breakfast in my sparklingly clean apartment, followed by several hours of brilliant writing sired by the peace of mind I finally must have obtained by being freed of the viacom shackles that were binding my soul. Then of course a  bundled up afternoon walk where in a Mary Tyler Moore frenzy I would throw my hat up in the air and pound my chest as I chanted FREE AT LAST, GOOD G-D ALMIGHTY, FREE AT LAST.
Thats not exactly how it was. I'll spare you the boring details, key word: "boring." There is all this residual emotion creeping out from underneath the surface and its not quite depressing or heavy, I am fine but this stuff begs my attention and I am frustrated because I don't have the answers. I feel as if I am back at square one. I thought by age 31 I would not have to ask my self what I wanted to be when I grow up. But the question still stands and bills need to be paid, the batons of security: savings, pensions, health insurance, all cry for my attention and my brain most of all needs a plan. I will just admit that aside from a few money making ideas I have none.

Here is what I do know. I don't want to work in an office. I don't want to climb the ranks. I don't want to do any job where the most important trait to survive is organization- I am not management freak. I don't want to really be anyone else's boss. I want to work for myself. I want to work on something, I want to watch it grow, change, get better or move on.  To some degree I realize that I will have to deal with some or all of these elements but if I consciously chose not to, perhaps I can evade some of them. Thats all for now. Happy Friday people- I think this might be a sunny weekend!