Danielle Speaks

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The following is an actual question given on University of Liverpool Chemistry finals. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? 

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law that gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed or some variant. 

One student, however, wrote the following: 

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.  I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.  Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell. Because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay constant, the volume of Hell must expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the
temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? 

If we accept the postulate given to me by Sandra during my freshman year that "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is endothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being - which explains why, last night, Sandra kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".

Waiting for Godot

Tonight I spent 5 hours waiting in the ER at St. Vincents (a fairly reputable hospital) while they poked, prodded, examined in every orifice possible, cat scanned, sonogrammed, ultra-sounded and generally manhandled my friend in order to ascertain the origins of her abdominal pains. Primarily they thought she had the beginnings of an erupting appendix, after her 8th hour and a cat scan, they ruled this out. As I left her (handing off the "loved one" baton to her baffled and disoriented young boyfriend) she was about to be rolled up to the OB/Gyn floor for round 7 of "whats wrong with your belly missy?"

I know ERs are gross and disturbing- its an urgent measure for an immediate and often visually apparent issue. There are people sitting in their little camps in the waiting room slowly gathering up their resources and their spirits; they take turns visiting the patient and handing off the most juiced cell phone to each other in order to call their own families to explain their absence, or to call more family to worry the patient's beloveds. They send out each other for food and stock up on beverage even though they all agree that the bathrooms are awful. Meanwhile others wait to be patients. Their hands clinging to makeshift ice packs or turnicuts. Humbled by their pain, angry and disillusioned by the feeling of being insignificant. They simply are waiting too long. I was prepared for the humanity and for the blood. One poor guy who was slightly drugged or drunk, medicinally or recreationally I could not conclude, was walking around with a mound of gauze in his mouth. Someone pulled out his tooth- the front one. The blood was irreverently flowing. An orderly continued to bring out a bucket and a suction irrigating syringe thingy for this man to try and clean out the area- IN THE WAITING ROOM! He was lost, he had no idea what he was doing and could not stop himself from walking around and regarding to his fellow frightened waiting room guests about how shocking this blood was ' Can you believe this? WOW- who knew I could bleed this much and still stand? This through a mouth of gauze. At different times when there were no staff to be seen ( insert crickets noise over image of blank faced waiting room guests sitting in a turquoise fluorescently lit purgatory) he would ask another person for a tissue- they ignored him and turned their faces. I felt sorry for him. My cell phone conversation guarded me from his intrusion and I supposed that if he would not interrupt someone on the phone- he was probably not that crazy.  Another child stifled her cries, her head hurt- she tried to rest her head on her mother's lap and her mother made her sit up- I hoped it was Dr's orders and not just some egregious absence of motherly tenderness sorely needed.  Meanwhile my friend layed in a bed in the middle  of the isle inside the triage.  So often I noted a complete lack of staff. I scared myself thinking about what I would do if I walked in with a gunshot wound. I was bored and I went there.

When I was finally allowed to see her, she looked like one looks in the hospital: drained and devoid of dignity. The idiot who put the IV in her arm had no f-ing clue and there was blood all around the entrance to her arm.  She had not had any food since breakfast- it was 9pm.  She was smiling and making jokes. We entertained ourselves by  scouting out cute residents and interns- Seattle Grace this hospital was not! People were nice enough though- nurses were really kind- which makes mean ones extra unacceptable. G had no idea what to think about her health. She has PCOS- as I do.