Danielle Speaks

The Best Subway Busker Ever

Yesterday while riding home on a SUPER packed train- on a Sunday (???????) I was happily startled out of my exhaustive loll. A man who looked like he just landed with the mother-ship was playing some really amazing improvisational tenor sax. He was a small black man with gray dreads threaded with colorful string. He had the biggest smile I have ever seen in my life and he said:

"Thank you ladies and gentlemen- I just arrived here on earth from my planet and my ship is broke.

I need earthling currency to buy parts for my ship and then I will happily be on my way- I was just stopping for a visit to understand you beautiful people.

I will take Bush with me!"

And at this - the entire train applauded with a loud roar! Everyone gave him a dollar! He was so happy with this that he exclaimed:

"tell you what- as soon I make my galactic exegesis I will take cheney and rumsfeld as well- just for you guys!

We applauded again and as he exited the subway door playing something Lisa Simpson might play a young girl muttered:

"If only it were true"

And at that we all returned to our sad loll.

Leonard Cohen's Seven Immutable Laws of Business. 

BY KEN KRIMSTEIN

- - - -

One: If it seems like it's too heavy, it is too heavy—unless it's your brother, in which case, he ain't too heavy.

Two: If the rain is flowing like tears from the sky, call in sick—it's cool.

Three: There's nothing you can do behind your desk that can't be more effectively accomplished with a beautiful, long-haired, chain-smoking woman lying naked next to you in bed.

Four: It really is a good idea to import tea and oranges all the way from China—especially the way the world is going these days.

Five: Scrap all the words like "maximize," "incentivize," "amortize," "enhance," "enable," and "team-building" from your vocabulary and replace them with "sorrow."

Six: Suits are cool, as long as you wear them without shoes or socks.

Seven: Yearning, that's the ticket. Yearning and heartache. Yearning and heartache and longing and—well, you get it.

White Noise

Titles of Songs I Could Credibly Write If I Became a Rap Star.

BY GREG HOWARD

Ain't Nothin' but a G Thang, Although I Usually Go by "Greg," to Be Honest

Mama Said Have Some Milk and Cookies

Bitches and Hos (I Have Neither/Nor)

I Know Someone Who Has a Friend of a Friend Who's Chillin' on Death Row

Ready 2 Take a Nap

Roll Me a Blunt (Now What Does That Mean Again?)

The Best Tastee-Freezes Are in My Hood

YO Gangsta (Do You Know How to Get to Napa Valley? I Appear to Be Lost)

I Like Medium-Sized Butts ... I Mean, It's Great If They Have Some Dimension but Let's Not Get Carried Away, but on the Other Hand It's No Good When the Legs Just Shoot Straight Up to the Hips and There's Nothing Else There, I Hate That

Smack My Fax Up