Danielle Speaks

Even the two eyed ones can be monsters

Love born on the Internet and exposed on film.

Tonight I went to see Four Eyed Monsters with Tuckergurl ( Thank You!) followed by a panel discussion of internet dating.  It has been a while since I have seen a movie that I identified with as a person in the world AND as a filmmaker. So much of this brilliant debut is about cross breeding the things in your life, and in your art as shown by cross breeding the mediums that tell the story.  Susan and Arin are extremely arty hipster young adults who live in/around Williamsburg and aspire to make great art. They struggle in this city like the rest of us and they are freaks, like the rest of us.

Susan, a painter/drawer, feels like a fraud. After all the money spent training her, time spent cultivating her and energy spent supporting her- Susan is just spent. She goes off to an artist residency (gut wrenchingly -laugh out loud spoofed!!!) only to find that her only artistic contribution is a piece about her own impotence. She works as a waitress serving pretentious sycophants while subterfuging a growing loneliness and rage. Arin is a struggling film maker/musician. He edits wedding and Bar Mitzvahs videos to his creative dismay.  i guess Arin is a dime a dozen but he is unique in his idiosyncrasies and somehow alluring as a character despite his frustrating ineptitude regarding relationships and general communication. Arin is an "other" and this is a point that all people can identify with.  His obtuse and eccentric behavior so vigorously displayed on the outside is his price paid for we the audience so that he may be the caricature of our own internal angst.  After all does everyone feel like a carnie in their own skin? His sexual fears and paranoid passive agressivity is so well rationalized by his finely honed mind that it seems impossible they might ever break through his own solitary confinement. Despite my initial hatred for him; for at times I recognized the quintessential male frustration we girls must endure;  I could not blame him for his alienation.  It was not self imposed. Never are the walls we put up elective maybe its more that we instigate them, maintain them for security but we never put them up.

In any case, they meet online, they date, they go through their journey and they make a movie about it where the making of the movie is Act III.  The film is a melange of docu style video footage, isight footage, screen-captures, and animation. It is a roving wall of sound diorama that feels jagged and perfectly fluent all at once.  These two people are easily poets and what they have done is turned their lives into art and their art into lives.  Although I could critique some of the film- that seems rather besides the point. It is inspiring to say the least and inspiration is always a welcomed gift!

They have podcasts as Tuck pointed out on her blog- but I am glad that I did not watch too many episode as the overall character of the film and people in it were a pleasant surprise. And let me just say this: in the film Susan often had moments where we reacted out loud with thanks and praise-be to her strong woman attitude and clever banter in reaction to Arin's bullsh*t. However, no matter how together and articulate Susan was, she still had to succumb to her emotions and ride the relationship rollarcoaster despite the warning signs. She, signifying WE, was held a captive audiences to her desires and fantasies of what she wanted, and a slave to the reality that she had to play out with Arin.

This got me thinking. Recently, and totally by coincidence I had decided to get my internet persona back together, blogs, dating websites, myspace page...etc  I felt a slight giggle inwardly as I wrote down the internet "work" I had ahead of me:

• Designs
• revised short stories to put up,
• new Blogs to fill with information.
• Personal essays to write for dating sites
• questionnaires to fill out
• Attractive photos to acquire from my closest friends
• A mental round up of all that I liked, was interested in, pursued and felt absolute about- after all this is serious business that can not withstand wishy washiness. This is dating! This is blogging ( publishing on your own terms!) This is  networking - no longer could my myspace be mediocre for how would that reflect on my character- an inactive profile could mean a dry and pedantic person.

I was not feeling the usual reticence in terms of dating online - instead I was starting to view it as a project I could control, alter and explore on my own terms- CONTROL. I could be anyone, I could select anyone vis a vis any criteria: Age, race, musical tastes,  celebrities they most resembled, favorite books, looks alone...etc  In my head I had the next six months planned out. I had constructed for my self a list of things I can control and do in my life.

And on this I had a beebs epiphany whose air leaked out as quickly as it filled in:  I am not a type A person. (thats not the epiphany!)  On most days I'd rather let sweet life come to me and just smile at its fortune. I don't like plans and I hate the pressure of time. I like chaos, I love random and I am most at home when the day is taking me and never the averse. I always rationalized that my lack of efficiency in style and manner was somehow countered by ability to think on my feet and be there both professionally and personally at any given moment. I don't mind messes- I never have- I like getting lost even though I am often scared sh*tless of physically getting lost and feeling blue for winding up lost in life. I often feel elephant size stress as a result of this lifestyle. Like when Maura had to take me threw the organizational steps of planning my France trip! Somehow I rationalized that this was part of the big plan- like the scorpion - its just my nature. But that's not how it goes and I am beginning to wonder if type b just stands for "behind"  IWe all know that any time one needs something in their life they must illicit single minded focus and organization into their grasp and then forge ambitiously to the finish line. You can't just wing it! I have heard others say that they have but I don't believe it.   It would stand to reason then that Type A activity within reasonable and healthy confines is really more of a lucky attribute to be born with rather then a type!!!!  That in fact, life management style is as falsely-subjective as beauty, intelligence, monetary fortune and aptitude in sports art and music.  So while some are born with the gift, the rest of us have to practice the scales infinitely until they simply don't sound flat.  This is not to say that my nature has not saved me and been a blessing to others at any given point- this is also not to say that I am never obstinate or controlling- au contraire mon fraire!  It is just to say that well I don't believe in "thats just the way I am" anymore. I guess I just can't afford to. I want to believe in a Popeye caliber of life but he was a cartoon.

So it is definitely strange to me that the little room with all the filing cabinets inside my head all of the sudden has strange dusty sunlight rays cracking through and begging attention. I make my lists. One asks where I want to be in 3mos, 6mos, 1yr, 3yrs, and 10yrs on a grid with three levels: professional, personal, other. It surprised me what I learned.
I made website lists- (i am not linking I am lazy)  nerve, Match, J-date (yup thats right I said it) Ok Cupid, Bust, Myspace.  I also wrote interests where perhaps there were more websites to join virtually.  More ways to be engaged.

The lists continued:

1. The pros and cons of living (Not in any suicidal matter - more a list of celebratory aspects and the frustrations that get in our way)
2. A list of health issued I want to attack
3. A list of material items I need to own within a certain amount of time
4. A list of my weaknesses and strengths ( asked for by my shrinkeroo)
5. A list of things I needed to do to my apartment
6. A list of people I needed to call
7. Several top ten lists of pop culture things that piss me off
8. A list of activities I wanted to get better at ( French, Knitting, Editing, photography, snowboarding)
9. A list of people I'd like to know better (Pedro Amaldovar- what" Can't i dream?)
10. A list of moments I hated this year and ways by which to avoid them.
11. A list of writing projects begun- but never finished and therefore truly never realized! ( two shorts, three screenplays, a novel, two essays and five article pitches-  WTF?????? Not to mention this bloggity poo)
12. I made a lists of lists ( like this one!)

Somewhere in my fiction here lies the bigger truth:

Tyoe B- Beebs had to default for a moment- If I just collect the data- that doesn't mean I can change it. Does it? I am not even the "if its on my list I have to do it" girl So why I am I planning? Tvperry's grandpa said "if you fail to plan then you plan to fail." But John Lennon said "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans." My mom always regarded my absent mindedness as an intellectual eccentricity lovingly proving that I was indeed the brilliant offspring until I turned 30- then it was just plain "you need to grow up kid  In other words is all the proactivity really just minutia activity to further stall the real playing field?  Does it matter? Maybe.  Maybe not. 

When did the need for absolutes and security supersede the thirst for adventure.  And did it? I am not so sure. So did the myth perpetrate the truth which then superseded the allegory which then played itself out like reality on the stage with a hamster running at the speed of light from nothing? 

Ok Ok OK!!!!!!  I am being silly and Dave Eggers-ish. 

Did Einstein have lists? Was Shakespeare an organized cad?  I don't know and perhaps I am wasting time quibbling over the mental masturbation it takes to break it down.

I am working on my virtual existence. I imagine that in some way my flesh and blood existence is not sparkling enough so I consult my virtual sister to come to the rescue and polish things up. There is Danielle and then there is Beebs. A socialized form of Schizophrenia complete with different vernaculars, colors, styles, dictum's and values. A separate sphere of microcosms meeting at awkward chasms and rendering us a bit stupefied when we are forced out of our atonal IMings and txting into live speech and touch, Rapid eye movement, pheromones and knowing glances.  Where they merge is where modern art exists.  I don't mean the type that sells or displays itself and is written up in the Times. I don't  mean this flick, or Damian Hirst or Mathew Barney or  or this blog. I just mean the art that makes us feel really elated and alive and aware-  the art that happens in your brain and your heart while jumping over a creak on a long hike or passing a moment of sheer human color on the streets. The synergy! It is number one on my pros list for living.

Susan and Arin distributed their love to the world as a social exploration and although their movie has a beginning and an end - they are just a serial and even they don't know what will happen next.  It must have been tough podcasting their lives for the world to see- they are not unscathed.  The internet daters are not without  snags and horror stories and the Film makers are not soaring...yet! Despite the great press and continued theatrical presence they need money just the same. SO none of this is necessarily the answer but my oh my the questions could leave us blogging into the next millennium

"Life is far too important a thing to ever talk seriously about!" - Oscar Wilde

Learn from me people

Life is really funny. Sometimes I ahave flashbacks of things and I don't remember what movie I saw these things in or where they came from. Who are these strange people stuck within the remnants of my head? I often have these flahbacks in Svasana at the end of Yoga. In fact my best thoughts are when my tired body lays  there drenched in sweat thanking god this class is over but proud nonetheless that my body just accomplished such nourishing feats. I surmise that the confidence and peace I feel when I am present and constent in my practice is the key to unlocking my best thoughts. Anyhow days later I realize that my image are actually old things I wrote 6 or more yrs ago. It comes back in a rush and like an old friend no longer there- I  get deeply sad. You see I have a history of unbacked computer issues. Funny how Tuck just wrote about how she backed up her comp finally- good job grrly! Anyhow, I often think that the best things I have ever written were during my last year of college and my two years prior to grad school. Lots of things have happened since. I learned what it is to jury my most intimate thoughts to a jury of my peers and or higher intellectual powers. I was not prepared for this experience. I steared clear of creative writing in college and went straight for the literary academics. Although my teachers told me that I would be great- I somehow knew that such judgement would only sink me into a deep pit of insecurity. I was happy to read the greats and learn from them on my own.   I wrote like a monster right before grad school- I felt I had nothing else- what would I do with my life if I did not make it into something that took care of my schedule for the next two yrs? Flash forward it was five- the last two of which I barely wrote a damn thing.  I think writers block is the same thing as male sexual impotence and equally as bruising to the ego.  I feared that perhaps by takign away the most painful aspect of my life: morbid obesity and utter alienation from the male species that perhaps I took away my writers  gravitas. Indeed today I do feel far less intellegent and my existence borders a level of vapidity that is well unacceptable- I work for show about showbiz gossip and pop culture phenomenon and it definately eats away at me. But not for the reason I always think. Most days I see the value of a paycheck and understand that in life there are acts of utility and acts of passion. The problem is that there are folks who have genuine passion for they do around me. Thats when I start to miss my old friend: "danielle's good brain"

So when I looked into my computer for my old scripts to perhaps resurect both their stories and perhaps my old soul- I found unexecutable files. Three computers later- my old files are lost in the netherland of unintellegible computer garble: an unforseable death for sure. Worse- its my own faullt. So here is what I wanted to tell you all: Please print everything that you have ever written and please for the love of god- back it up on  every removable form there is.  Keep it locked in cool dry place safe from your judgement and times memory loss. PLease for love of all things good- value your thoughts more than even the relics of old relationships. Because you can always return to you- I cant say the same for anyhing else. =)

My baby came

Although I might still be sick ( my whole office and the wives and children of people who work here) I am feeling a bit more nourished after hanging with the folks for a couple of days. Anyhow Last night I stayed up and geeked out on my computer for 9 hours- I now am the proud owner of a g5 quad. Baby and I are both great!!!!! She is amazing and I can't tell you how great it was to sit at a computer and edit for hours. It was nothing special just some family footage that I had promised to cut together and send to Rome but still it felt good in a meditative sense. And then even just the experience of having a full computer set up at home somehow inspired me to write. It was quality time well spent. I suppose its sad that certain material items bring happiness but a computer can really change your life. I have been saving and conniving work discounts for this for months and honestly having this computer just made every disgruntled day at work seem more than worth it.  I can't wait to get home today and play.  I still have a cough that can be heard miles away but I feel that this too shall repair soon! We all have time off for the next couple of weeks- although I have to "check in" every day it will be recuperative. Anyhow this was truly a me thinking out loud blog entry- sorry I can't be more entertaining but I am just so happy to have a major tool of my artistic outlet back in place. Soon to come- little movies for the blog...

Typepad for Dummies

I was having a nervous breakdown over the phone with Tuck- I'm always good for amusement. =) I just could not get my head around this weblogging fascism: they put MY content in whichever column they want and posted images, not even permantly placed in my entries, to the right of my content. Its already a little ridiculous that none of us could take the time to learn HTML and make our own websites- instead giant portals are produced to display our thoughts- but when the portal software gets confusing- thats when I question where those IVY tuition dollars went! Anyhow- here is the solution! Fill out the ticket....go to the help section- rant for a second and a really nice human being writes you back and clears up all fo your mysteries. And don't do MIXED MEDIA layouts unless you are trying to display a lot of your own image work or others- stick to classic and don't get so ahead of yourself.

Lastly- can people tell me- is this showing up yellow or pale pink- how does this blog look? It differs from computer to computer. Stick with me - I am just growing my blogging bycep.